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Party review: Valentine’s Noir by Nude Noir

A night out in a beautiful bar...

Last year, while browsing online, I came across an event company in London called Nude Noir. Nude Noir is run by the House of Noir Group, and their events are generally called Nude Noir or Noir something. 

The business was established in 2012, and the events are run by Madame Noir, who I have yet to meet in person (on her site she describes herself as mysterious and elusive.. that checks?).

The events are said to be playful and seductive, in refined and decadent venues around the world. I have attended their Valentine’s event, Valentine’s Noir, and I definitely agree to one thing: the venue was very beautiful.

The party was set in a stunning former bank in central London. It was filled with brass, palms, and a whole stuffed safari. All brought together by a mahogany background, to match the decadence.

I have to admit, I expected more oomph for the entertainment side. Maybe some naughtiness, and definitely a more interesting crowd. Unfortunately my expectations were not met. In short, I guess I expected more of a ‘kinky’ vibe, but I was met with a ‘fancy night out in a cool bar’ vibe. 

The party started at 10pm and went on until 2am, so my friend and I made our way there on the early side. By 10.30pm we were already in the queue, and, as soon as we got our tickets checked, we asked directions to the cloakroom. We headed downstairs, on the other side of the bar, to get ourselves changed into ‘party attire’.

The event’s invite had some notes about the party and a couple of rules. A couple of rules caught my eye, one clearly stated to switch mobile phones off at the door and put it away, and another one advised to wear Venetian masks throughout the evening. Disappointing to say that by the time I crossed the floor to get to the staircase, I noticed that half of the guests wore no mask, and saw many light blue screens flashing around me. 

Either way, we dropped our coat, and didn’t have to pay, which was nice (particularly considering tickets for this party were on the pricey end). We headed back upstairs, and had a look around. We thought of starting with the bar, and grabbed a couple of drinks, which also were on the cheap side, yay! 

After a little browse, we made a few observations of the attending party, and both concurred on our diagnosis. More than half of the crowd was made of couples, potentially looking for a unicorn. A good chunk of guests was made of young girls, mostly on the slim side, in tiny dresses, maybe looking for a sugar daddy. And of course, the rest of the party was made of sugar daddies, eyeing up the girls around them. Mind you, they weren’t just any sugar daddy, they were the bald, overweight, short, and middle-age-sugar-daddy kind. And I personally don’t mind the first three, but the combo was just too much for me.

Anyway, luckily there were a few other random guests and party goers I ended up chatting with, which saved the day/evening. Maybe, in hindsight, I should have anticipated for the crowd to be what it was, seeing the dress code on their website is ‘black, silk, lace, leather, masks, avant-garde’ for the ladies, and ‘masks, black tie’ for the gents. 

The entertainment was made of a lot of IG personalities. Most of them were petite, slim, hot, and covered in tattoos. They were walking around in the club (or trying too? It was very crowded for the space we had!) and going up and down the tiny stage; there was some dancing, some fire, and some winks going around the room.

Overall I don’t think that’s my cup of tea (aka it’s not my jam). I understand that this was not going to be a ‘sex party’, as Madame Noir is not keen on that, but I was expecting a little play maybe, or a more engaging entertainment, or a better balanced / vetted crowd.

I saw a scene that I found rather cringe (I could not avoid it, I was sitting right across); and it was this middle age guy, banker looking, who was constantly taking videos of the girl he was with (for his wank bank?), while she was posing and teasing the camera for him. I am sure some people are into that, I personally found that super cringe, particularly when it clearly stated no mobile phones.

Please find below some of the IG profiles for the artists and the photographer, I thought some were pretty good, I’d recommend giving them a follow. 

The talented photographer who took snaps of us throughout the evening

From the Artist behind the beautiful leather harnesses wore by the performers