Warning, this is a sports column.*
Last year I wrote about breadcrumbing – BREADCRUMBING. NOT JUST FOR FAIRY TALES, the year before about Zombieing – ZOMBIEING. BECAUSE HALLOWEEN IS COMING, and before that I wrote about ghosting and negging – GHOST STORIES THIS HALLOWEEN and COMPLIMENT OR INSULT? YOU BE THE JUDGE.
St Valentines is approaching, and I believe it’s time to talk about benching.
Benching: when dating turns into a waiting game
What are we talking about?
Benching is another situationship where you’re neither in the game nor out of the game. You are sort of in limbo.
You’re dating someone (or kind of seeing, or texting at 11 PM, whichever it is…), and they keep you around as a “maybe”. You are perpetually on standby.
One day they could be texting you, love bombing you, and are all over you. The next day, they put you on a shelf and left you there to wait, ready to be picked up when they remember you exist (or they are bored). Meanwhile, they might dating other people while looking for someone better. Or just chilling!
Why doing this? They might want a backup plan because they don’t like being alone. Or maybe they need an ego boost, or maybe they are just bored. Sometimes they’re indecisive, unsure about you, and not ready to let you go either. Selfish you might say? Yes.
What does it look like?
Let’s look at some basic ways to spot a bencher:
- Mixed signals like no tomorrow: One day they’re love bombing you, the next it’s radio silence. They just “keep you guessing”.
- Vague plans: Are they really asking you out? Or is it a “Meet up at the next party?” or “Yes, I do want to see you, let’s meet soon” but zero follow up.
- No progress: You have no idea where you are in this relationship. You get the “Hey, don’t leave, but also… don’t expect too much from me” vibe.
The outcome for you? Being benched can take a serious toll on your mental and emotional wellbeing. It’s confusing and frustrating to receive mixed signals, and it often leaves you questioning your own worth.
You start asking yourself: “Why am I not good enough to make it off the bench and into the starting line-up?”. This limbo can chip away at your confidence and self-esteem, and you might event start second-guessing your own standards, because you have been left on a bench, you have been put on a shelf.
Being benched can be emotionally draining, especially when you’ve invested time, energy, and feelings into someone who’s clearly not doing the same for you.
And what do you do when it happens?
If you think you’re being benched, the first step is to prioritise your own needs and feelings. Are you okay with being someone’s backup option? Maybe you are, and that’s fine! But if not, then communicate directly. Ask them where you stand and what their intentions are. If they dodge the question or give you an unsatisfactory answer, take that as your cue to move on.
In short? Speak up, set boundaries, prioritise yourself. Then move on.
Remember, you deserve someone who’s all in, not someone who’s sort of keeping you around just in case. Value your time and energy enough to walk away from anyone who doesn’t. Life is too short to be anyone’s backup option.
At the end of the day, you deserve someone who sees your value and puts you on a pedestal, not someone who keeps you waiting on the sidelines.
*You wished it was, didn’t you?
