Fantasy or reality. Which one do you want?

This year, my newsfeed was full of New Year’s resolutions. I enjoyed reading them. They always give me a moment to pause and reflect.

What would I want from 2026? Like every year, I want to get better at keeping up with my existing relationships, strengthening them, and occasionally building new ones. I want to be better at recognising red flags early, and to avoid benching, breadcrumbing, zombieing, and ghosting as much as possible. Easier said than done.

And what do other kinksters want?

Today I want to focus specifically on posts written by submissive-identifying men, particularly their wish lists. Reading them reminded me how much I enjoy seeing people reflect on their desires. At their best, these reflections are thoughtful, self-aware, and genuinely interesting. They show how someone understands their kink and what draws them to it.

But it also made me realise something else.

Many of these posts were articulate and clearly came from a place of desire. Some showed real self-awareness. However, a large number leaned heavily into fantasy language and idealisation. They were written from the perspective of desired experiences rather than relational effort.

Many of these posts were not about connection, or relationship, or even dynamic. They were about an ideal, a fantasy. 

I am pretty sure that these posts were not meant to be demanding or entitled. However, possibly due to a lack of experience, they may have come across as fantasy-driven and relationally underdeveloped to some of the Dommes reading them (trust me when I say I am not the only one feeling that way).

Everything was framed as something that might happen to them, rather than something that would need to be co-created with another person over time. There was a lot about what they wanted to feel, receive, and experience, and very little about what they offer as a submissive partner.

There is an important distinction to make here.

If this is simply a personal wish list, a way of sharing desires and fantasies with the world, then that is perfectly fine. A wish list is what it is, and nothing else. However, if the intention is to find a real relationship with a Domme, then intention (and clarity) can make a difference.

Let’s say they want a fantasy delivered!

If the goal is to experience a fantasy with minimal relational effort, that option is very much available. Without putting into that much effort, hiring a Pro-Domme is a valid, ethical, and often deeply satisfying way to explore specific desires from a wish list. A Pro-Domme who can guide them through the experience they always desired, and even give them a better understanding of what they like and don’t like. This of course still requires vetting, negotiation, clear communication, and an understanding of boundaries, deliverables, and cost.

Are they searching for more, like a real relationship?

Well, none of their fantasies will happen without relational effort. Without earned trust. Without caring about the people behind the roles. Relational effort means consciously investing time, energy, and attention into connection. It means listening, supporting, compromising, and showing appreciation. In kink, community presence and relationship building are often invisible prerequisites, yet they are frequently missing from these wish lists. A Domme does not magically appear simply because someone wants her so very badly.

Wishes on their own are not enough.

When a Domme is romanticised to the point of becoming almost a mystical creature, it removes agency from the submissive and places unrealistic expectations on her. In real dynamics, communication matters more than intuition. Negotiation matters more than mind-reading. Accountability matters more than fantasy.

Dommes are not archetypes. Pro or lifestyle, they are not mythological creatures who exist solely to fulfil someone else’s desire. They are humans, with boundaries, flaws, off-days, vulnerabilities, and lives outside of kink. If the idea of a Domme only works when she is endlessly confident, constantly seductive, emotionally available at all times, sexually omniscient, and always in control, then that is not a partner. It is a projection.

Wanting to submit is not the same as being ready.

Really, really wanting something does not automatically make you ready for it. Wanting to submit to a Domme does not automatically give you the emotional skills, communication ability, or relational capacity to do so safely and sustainably.

If a relationship with a Domme is what you are looking for, outcomes are just the tip of the iceberg. They are often by-products of trust, access, care, and intimacy. They can be built, but not wished into existence.

I have also seen posts that do get this.

Posts that understand kink does not exist independently of relationship, trust, and social context. Posts that show an awareness that sustainable dynamics are built on human connection rather than role consumption. Those posts feel different. They are not asking to be served a fantasy. They are showing a willingness to show up as a whole person. And that makes all the difference, because relationships matter. Humanity matters. Friendship matters.

That is all for today. I could say more, but I will leave that for another time. Until then, keep it kinky and keep it safe.