As I continue to explore kink, BDSM, and whatnot, I decided to take a slightly more academic approach this time.
Let’s start by looking into the life of a real-life Dominatrix and her journey through the BDSM industry: Aleta Cai.
Aleta Cai is a NY-based healer and dominatrix who, through Sacred BDSM, helps her clients process trauma, and leads them to a path in pursuit of peace, purity and integration. Aleta holds a BA in Psychology and a MA in Film Studies from New York University. After some time spent working in the fashion industry, she decided to pursue a very different career at the age of 24: becoming a dominatrix.
She started out at a local NY dungeon, where she learned the basic skills required for the job, and then decided to go independent in search of her own individual identity. Through her journey she discovered where her true strengths were: she was emphatic, she was intuitive, and overall a very sensitive person. Something her own clients caught on pretty quickly too.
Aleta aims to bring traditionally performative BDSM sessions inward, guiding her subs to ultimate synergy of mind body and spirit. She aims to empower submissives and bring to light the necessary components of empathy, trust and love in a healthy D/s dynamic.
Mission Statement by Aleta Cai (www.aletacai.com)
Last year, Aleta published a book about her life as a Domme: Pro-Domme. In the BDSM industry, there aren’t tons of guidebooks lying around on how to become a Dominatrix (yet). You might find a blog here, an article there, and maybe some tips on kinky websites like this one. However that hardly counts as a real-life guide explaining the ins and outs of the life of Domme. I have to say, this book is the closest thing I found to a real guidebook on how to become a professional Dominatrix. YAY! 🙂
In Pro-Domme, Aleta shared her own personal experiences and her journey, into the BDSM and fetish world. Whether you are interested in becoming a Domme, need some more guidance, or maybe you are simply curious about the industry, this book provides you with a window in the lifestyle and career of a dominatrix in the sex work industry.
Rich of insights, it gives the readers (and potential Dommes) many practical advises and tips; from how to brand yourself to how to manage clientele. Aleta also highlighted key challenges and pitfalls a woman needs to be aware of in the industry, and how to resolve them; all the while reminding you the importance to stay true to oneself.
I found this book not just informative, but a truly enjoyable afternoon read. With its friendly tone, and kind approach, it made me feel like Aleta cared about the reader as much as she would care for her best friend ♥
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Generalized fear: I used to be terrified of #men because my father was distant, scary, mean and lied to me a lot. I also spent 7 years in an all girls school which reinforced the distance & fear. If you know of the “Little Albert” classical conditioning experiment, you’ll know that psychologists trained a little boy named Albert to be scared of a white mouse because every time the mouse ran by, the psychologists made a loud noise. They noticed then that Albert generalized this distress towards white stuffed animals, white rabbits, even white cotton balls. Somewhere subconscious I always thought men would hurt me. Domming was important for me because it helped me relate to men in a different way, one that allowed me the distance and power dynamic to feel safe enough to work out my feelings. Given the space to no longer fear men, I started developing oppositional beliefs about men and generalized my disappointment and projected inferiority. What I realized was, this attracted men who had oppositional and general beliefs towards women. All women are x,y,z. We are more and more in a culture where generalized beliefs about women are called out, but I, and other women also need to call ourselves out about our own beliefs. I had validity to why I felt the way I did, but I also was looking for scary, bad, disappointing aspects in every man I met and that’s what I saw. People can feel that, it’s an awful way to be treated because I’ve had the same thing done to me by men who dislike women for reasons valid to them. Anyway, as I started confronting myself and clearing my filters and trauma, I noticed how amazing men are. I have such amazing men in my life. I’ve had the kindest interactions with men that I just met for a few minutes. I LOVE men in general, and yeah there have been a few bad apples, but that’s them. Not all men. A key part of this process is also assessing your relationship with your own masculine/feminine. We are all a duality and if we dislike one part in the outside world, we disown that part in ourselves. We cannot reach a healthy balance within by repressing feminine or masculine energies despite gender. Photo @cory.rice #latex #nyc