Joining the kink community - part 3
Online experiences...
In previous posts I’ve covered how to create a profile on FetLife (social media platform for kink and fetish) and how to message other kinksters. I always recommend to have a general review every now and then. A review of your profile, of your messages, of your strategy, and even a review of the platform you are on. So I thought of writing a little more about meeting kinky people online, and added a few more tips. I hope you enjoy it!
How's your online presence?
We covered getting a profile on a kink site as a first step in joining the kink community (since it would be otherwise very hard to find out about munches by word-of-mouth). But is there anything else you should watch out for? Here are just some tips:
- FetLife is the biggest fetish social media platform, but can be intimidating. Have you thought of joining something more niche? I have listed some of the kinky sites I know in the box below, and found a few more online (thou I’m sure there are more if you look).
- Kinky people are on traditional dating apps too, so don’t exclude them right away, but also don’t be push; not everyone wants to know a stranger’s kinks.
- Focus your efforts on a site that is relevant to you. Depending on what you are looking for (friends, open relationship, LTR, etc), pick a site/platform that better fits with your needs.
- Just having an online presence, does not guarantee meeting people in real life. Try to attend in-person events (munches are great community events).
- Make a good profile. Share something about yourself, make it engaging, add some (creative?) pictures of you, vanilla or fetish or both. I personally don’t care about penis pics, but if you really really really want to add a dick pic, make it a good one (go to the bottom of the page for some tips)
My general advice?
“Remember to always be thoughtful”
Alternative sites to FetLife:
- Fetish.com, the kink-positive BDSM community for fetish dating: comes in an app version too, it’s for the kink and fetish community and I was there for a while and found it friendly.
- Feeld, dating app for couples & singles: a very inclusive polyamory/ethical non-monogamy site for you to explore alone or with your partner
- OK cupid, dating for every single person: kinky people are also on traditional dating apps, and you would be surprised how many kinky people are on there
- Meetup, we are what we do: a vanilla site to meet other people in your area… since there is a large overlap between kinky and geeks, might be worth checking out some local gaming/board games events
- KinkyD, your private kink community: they seem pretty recommended and also have a ID vetting process, which might filter out catfishes 🙂
- #open, connect and explore with ethically non-monogamous people and their partners: another polyamory/ethical non-monogamy site that is very open to the fetish community
- Kinkoo, helps kinky people find like-minded kinksters: seems legit, never heard of it thou, specific for the kink and fetish community
What about your online 'activity'?
Next, let’s talk about your online activity. Are you one of those those that just sit there and wait for the ‘000 of message to come through?
I’m sure you are not 🙂 but let’s go through some notes:
- Be active, not passive; join groups, take part to discussions, share content, etc
- Start with reaching out to your kind of people. For example, if you are a sub, looking for events that are D/s friendly (roles explanations), why not ask another sub?
- Don’t reach out to people who clearly aren’t into what you offer. For example, if you see a profile of a Domme you fancy, and want them to sub for you, it’s unlikely they’ll even respond. Check what they are looking for, and bear in mind that most people are into either into domming or subbing (thou there are switches too).
- Make your messages relevant to the person you’re messaging. People are interested in people and real connections. Share hopes, dreams, interests; it might help you paint a better picture of yourself. For example, if I am into impact play, I don’t care about spanking a random stranger, but I love spanking someone I fancy.
- Do not lead with your kinks (can’t stress this enough, people are not kink dispensers).
- if you identify as a sub, don’t be passive in a conversation, and don’t list what you’re into like a laundry list: that’s so dull.
- If you don’t get a lot of responses, always be graceful and don’t get discouraged. Remember cold calling has a success rate of 1-2%.
Do not send unsolicited dick pics. Just don't.
It’s called cyberflashing and it’s soon to be a criminal offence in the UK. And if someone asks you for one, please make it a good one (read further below), I’m so tired of seeing unsolicited tiny penises in cages.
Now, onto something that is quite close to me. When I first joined dating app I swear it felt like I could have collected dick pics like figurines. You know, you get one, you send one back and swap them like figurines cards. Anyway, in the rare occasion that someone asks you for a dick pic, please please PLEASE send a decent one. So here are some guidelines…
Taking a good dick pic:
(also valid for any other type of nudes)
1st rule: GET CONSENT. Did they ask you to send a dick pic? did you offer? did you both say yes? if the answer ‘no’, or ‘maybe’, or ‘I am not sure’, or ‘I will think about it’, or ‘not now’, or anything other than and enthusiastic ‘YES’, then just don’t.
2nd rule: PICK THE RIGHT TIME. Are you sending a dick pic for the first time to someone while they are on their way to work? Will they have time to respond to you? Wouldn’t be better to send it in the evening, when they are home alone? Or at a time when they are expecting? Anticipation is half the fun 🙂
3rd rule: PREPARATION. Maybe do some landscaping, or pick some nice clothes; you could wear something sexy or that the other person will recognise, to tease them a little more.
4th rule: LIGHT AND FRAME. Please no more pics of penises in terrible lightning (like fluorescent bathroom light) and from an even worse angle. Make sure you put the camera into focus, if necessary, test different angles, use filters, go black and white, try different settings, go crazy!
5th rule: SHOW MORE. Maybe you want to make it funny, or sexy, or poetic or pathetic! Maybe frame it so that it shows a little bit of abs, of bum, or your hand (make sure if you do a close up of your nails, that you gave them a clean and they are trimmed). And if you don’t have a penis, why not send a picture of your strap on? 🙂 After all, we all love a good story, so why not say something with your pic?
Need some inspiration? Here is the best blog I have seen! 100% NSFW, 100% hilarious. ThingsMyDickDoes.
I hope you find this helpful. Have a good one and keep it kinky!
