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JTKC part 2: online messaging

Joining the kink community - part 2

Your FL profile is done… now what?

Recently I wrote a blog post about creating a profile on FL.

I got carried away, and wrote quite a bit, so decided to cover messaging in a separate post.

Welcome to part two 🙂

joining kink 1

Your profile is up, you have your profile pic, info, bio, and you’ve started engaging with groups and follow events.

But what if you want to reach out to a specific person? What if there is someone that caught your eye on a guestlist for an event or a munch, and you want to send them a message directly?

Here are some ‘suggestions’ on how to message others on FetLife. Please note these are my own personal opinions, and in no way a fit-for-all sort of guide.

Although I wrote this specifically for Fetlife, some of it it’s probably applicable to other dating sites, such as dating kinky, collarspace, feeld, OKcupid, Fiend, etc.

That’s it, you found someone you like the look of, what's next?

Number 1 thing: READ THEIR PROFILE

What are they looking for?

Remember how I said that it’s important to fill in the info at the top of your profile with relationships status(es), sexual orientation, and what you are looking for? Well, that, together with profile pic, is the first things you see. Read the person’s profile and ask yourself, are you a match? Are you both looking for the same things? Do you have anything in common?

What does their bio say? 

I have been on FL for some time and I still get messages from user who *obviously* have not even bothered reading the first two lines of my profile. Might have to do a collection at some point. Before messaging anyone, always read their profile. It’s really not that hard. Some users even add helpful suggestions on how they prefer to be contacted.

Do they have profile pictures? 

Check their pictures, what do they say about them? Read their the captions, what do they cover? Instead of sending them a message, it might be worth leaving a comment there if you want to compliment them or ask something about their picture.

Do they have any posts or journal entries?

Under the writing tab, did they write about something specific? An alternative to reach out might be starting a conversation on one of their posts or a journal entries, as a comment. Take a look, you never know.

Is their profile verified? Do you think it’s a genuine profile?

As mentioned in my previous post, scammers are everywhere. Be wary, and do not send money /share sensitive details with strangers. You can now verify your profile and get a little tick next to your name. Sure, even verified profiles could be fake, but it’s a little safer. Check if they have friends, followers, are attending events, etc. Do they look active?


Is a private message the answer?

Are you sure that sending a private message is the best way to go? Some examples. Want to compliment them on their picture? Leave a public comment. Want to ask if they are attending an event? Check their ‘events going to’ section. Want to ask them about an event they are attending and they are not the organiser? They are not your personal tour guide.

Why are you messaging this person?

This is rather important. Think carefully about what you want from this conversation, and ask yourself: why are you reaching out? If you are reaching out because you want to be friends, this is not Bumble. If you are reaching out because you are bored, they are not there to entertain you. Etc etc.

Are you offering something they want?

Would this person be interested in what you offer? Why do you think that? Does it say on their profile that they’re looking for that? If you are reaching out because you want to offer your services as a sub, does it say on their profile they are actively looking for a slave/sub? If you are messaging them because you want to top them, are they looking for a Master/Mistress? Are you requesting their services because they do that for living? Remember to be respectful of their persona, whatever that is. Be humble. Be open-minded. Be kind.

be kind


How do you think your message will come across?

Are you going to copy/paste the same message and send it to a bunch of users? If the answer is yes, I have news for you: they can tell. For example, if you write generic things like ‘we have lots in common’ with no explanation, it’s a copy/paste job, and they can tell. 

Will the message resonate with the person on the other side?

The golden rule says treat the next person how you would like to be treated. The platinum rule says treat the next person how they would like to be treated. Is that how they want to be addressed? Are you making any assumptions? Too direct? Offensive? Threatening? People are not kink/fetish dispensers, so don’t treat them as such. Remember there is a block and a report button.

Are you making it all about you and your kinks?

Avoid leading with your kinks or being self-centered/presumptuous. People are interested in people, reducing them to kinks is derivative. If your message is interesting, they will check out your profile. Consider rephrasing it to make it more relevant. Look beyond fetish and sex, sexuality and kink is only part of what creates compatibility. Remember: there is more to a person than their kinks.

Are you asking any intrusive questions? 

If you are asking a knowledge-based question, are they a subject matter expert? Can you online search that? Or are you being lazy? If you are asking something specific, can you educate yourself independently before reaching out? Or worse, are you being intrusive and asking personal questions? Are you being a creep? How would you respond if a stranger asked you something totally inappropriate? If you are just probing into someone’s personal life just for your own gain and/or porn bank, you will get reported.

Did you read (I mean, really read) what you wrote?

You wrote something. Take a minute, and read it. Check your grammar. Spell-check. If this is your very first message, it will also be your first impression. I often re-read my messages aloud, it helps!

Should you attach a dick picture? 

Unless EXPLICITLY requested, the answer is ALWAYS no.


You messaged them, now what? 

First rule: just because you sent someone a message, it doesn’t mean that they have to respond to you. No one owes you anything.

What are you expecting by messaging them?

Think about what your expectations are, and what you think it will happen next. You only get out of the scene what you put in, don’t expect instant gratification, it’s not a puppies/kittens newsfeed.

Did you write to them because you wanted to get a response?

If you are reaching out without expecting a response because your message don’t warrant one, then it’s all good. If you are expecting a response, be prepared for whatever you get. 

You wanted a response, what kind of response are you expecting?

If they respond positively, remember this is only the first step. Be mindful of other’s time and personal space, and make the time messaging each other’s valuable.

If they are not interested, be gracious not nasty. Not everyone is everyone’s cup of tea. And remember, if you only respect people who agree with you, you don’t respect people. 

Be prepared to receive no answer at all. And that could be for a variety of reasons. First of all, not everyone is there waiting to respond to random messages from strangers. Also, some users are not on FL everyday, but log on once in a while. Some users get a LOT of messages and don’t always respond as that’s rather demanding. If they don’t respond but you really want them to respond, don’t continuously message them. It’s annoying, and they can simply block you. If they are interested, they will answer.

What kind of role are you playing in the conversation?

Try to remember how conversations work. Are you being passive? Do you ask questions or simply answer them? Are your answers short, or detailed? If you are passive, you will end up loading the burden of the conversation onto the them. Which can be exhausting. Think of in-person conversations: if someone asked you about their day, would you just answer and end it there, or would you ask about their day too? Whether you are a top or a bottom, remember to stay engaged.

I think that's all for now!

I hope you find this helpful. Remember: the most important thing is BE KIND

Have a good one and keep it kinky!