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Joining the kink community – part 1

You decided you want to check out your local kink community… now what?

It’s 2022. And maybe it matters or it doesn’t. But you say ‘what the heck’, and want to check out your local kink community. What do you do now? What’s the next step?

My very first suggestion would be to join FetLife (which is basically the Facebook of the kink community). You can choose a username of your choice, something that tells a bit about yourself, your general go-to username (so long as it’s anonymous), or something totally random! That’s entirely up to you.

If you like a specific one and it’s taken, you can pick a temporary one, and then update it later, should it come available in the future (you can even ask FL admin if the user’s account is active, if not, they might be able to free it up for you).

On FL you can find out where your local Munches take place. Munches are ideal for first timers and newbies, and very welcoming places. After all, nothing beats in-person connections right?

I wrote a blog post around dos and don’ts for Munches, so that you have an idea of what to expect. I also reviewed some of the London Munches, so that you can get an idea of the kind of Munches out there, and pick something that works for you.

That’s it, you joined FL… let's check a couple of things

First thing first: PROFILE PIC!

Do you have a profile picture?

It’s generally good practice to have a picture of yourself, as it makes your profile more ‘real’. Be aware that not having a profile pic, might be seen as a ‘red flag’. 

What do you want to ‘show’ in your profile picture?

This is entirely up to you, you can share and show as much or as little as you feel comfortable with. Some FL users have profile pics with their face, some opt for body, some blur details for privacy. Some just have pics of things they like or toys they own, your choice!*

What does your profile picture say about you?

Do you want to communicate a sense of calm? Mystery? Playfulness? Creativity? Submission? Dominance? Whatever you what you want to communicate to other users, remember that your profile pic is the first thing someone is going to see. For example, if you opted for a picture of a body part, like your hands, are you in handcuffs or holding a whip? A picture says a ‘000 words, so ask yourself what you would like to say, and then pick something that you feel represent you best.

*Obviously there are guidelines around pics you can upload, so hate speech/threat/copyright infringement etc will be reported and removed.

Secondly: BIO & DETAILS!

Have you filled in the ‘general info’ section?

You don’t need to have all your info now. Maybe you are still deciding what your Gender, Sexual Orientation, Role, etc are, and that’s ok. However, adding these bits in, can give other users a basic idea of who you are and what you are looking for. And if you are not ready to pick anything yet, you can select undecided as an option in the list. You can always change this later and it’s not forever. It’s totally ok to change, evolve, update your info section as you discover what you like and what you don’t. I have re-wrote my own general info section a million times, as my interests shifted and I learned more and more about myself.

What does your ‘About Me’ section says?

This might not be your top priority, but it helps showing who you are and what you are looking for. This is particularly helpful if you don’t have a lot in pics/general info. If you are unsure of where or how to start, there are many ways to write about yourself, go crazy! Here are some ideas:

    1. You are super lazy, or still want to think about it? Write a one liner, can be anything: why you join FL, when you realised you were kinky, a quote from a book that inspired you, etc.
    2. Got some time, and want to say something more? Write a couple of conversation starters, hobbies, something you wanted to try, small bio in recipe/cocktail format, etc.
    3. You feel invested and really want to say more about you? Split it in sections: a bio with details about your kinky/vanilla life, what you are looking for, how you like to be contacted, etc.

I personally think a cup of tea helps, but of course you can always look for inspiration by browsing other profiles 🙂

Lastly: EVERYTHING ELSE ON YOUR PROFILE!

Let’s see what’s left.. we have:

  1. Activity: if someone clicked on activity on your activity tab, what would they find? Having some activity there helps adding value on your profile.
  2. Friends, followers, and following: you need to start somewhere, but of course once you attended a munch or two, you will start building your own network; something easy you can do is follow events, podcasts, etc.
  3. Group Member: you can join groups that interest you by topic, join Munches’ groups, etc. This also add credibility to your profile, and I say this because scammers are everywhere, even on kinky websites, so be aware of that.

I think that’s all for now. I originally wanted to also cover messaging, but it got too long, so I might write something else on messaging soon.

Meanwhile, I hope this gives newbies a good starting point… To be honest I have had my profile for some time, and I still review it, edit it, change stuff all the time. It will always be a work in progress for me, and that’s ok! We evolve, we change, we experience things and we understand what we like, what we are looking for, what we want every day, because life is a journey no? Have a good one and keep it kinky!