Unicorns: mythical or misunderstood?

I wrote a few pieces about what’s what in the kink, queer, and BDSM community. The ABC of BDSM, Types of Play in BDSM, about Joining the Kink Community, about dating (mostly failures lol), etc etc.

I have not written about polyamorous relationships, although I did interview Alice Hunter, author of Unicorns and How to Hunt Them.

So this time I wanted to explore the concept of The Unicorn’s Triad a little more, possibly the more renowned of the poly relationships.

In polyamory (when you consensually engage in multiple romantic and/or sexual relationships) and non-monogamous circles, a “unicorn” refers to a bisexual woman who is open to joining an existing couple for an exclusive, often emotionally and sexually intimate relationship. This arrangement is often called a triad or a throuple.

The term unicorn comes from the idea that such a person is rare, mythical, and often idealised. If it’s a man, he would be called a Dragon.

The reality, however, is a tad more complicated than the fantasy. Many unicorns find themselves navigating tricky emotional and logistical dynamics, with varying degrees of success (or failures).

Polyamory can look very different depending on the parties involved. But let’s take a look at the Unicorn Triad dynamic.

Unicorns often exist in a grey area between polyamory and hierarchical couple privileges. In short, they are either part of a true polyamorous triad, where all three partners share equal standing, or they are joining a situationship where a couple wants a FFM threesome, while maintaining control of the dynamic’s terms.

Some triads evolve into healthy, equitable poly relationships. Others remain sort of lopsided, with the couple setting rules and putting the unicorn in a box.

Autonomy, decision-making power, and emotional security can often be a concern. Like: who gets to set the boundaries? is the unicorn expected to conform to the couple’s pre-set structure? what if deeper feelings develop between the unicorn and one half of the couple? what if the unicorn is just an add-on instead of an equal partner?

For some unicorns, engaging in short-term, NSA (no-strings-attached), and occasional meet-ups with couples is what they are after. Others are looking for a deeper, more integrated relationship where all parties share emotional, romantic, and even domestic commitments (a little like the one in this movie from a while ago).

It really depends on what you (all three of you) are looking for.

From the unicorn’s point of view, it all sounds great at first. The freedom, the excitement, and the unconventional nature of the arrangement make this type of poly relationship very appealing. It can be a long term, short term, NSA, and it also allows for some flexibility. And sometimes, you find couples who allow for a unique emotional connections, different from traditional one-on-one relationships. 

However, there are challenges to being a unicorn. Biggest one? Couple privilege. Basically the couple has control and final say over the what, the why, the when, and it can leave the unicorn feeling secondary or disposable. Not to mention jealousy and insecurities which may arise in the dynamic. 

Many unicorns might experience limited autonomy, as the couple’s rules might restrict the unicorn’s space within the relationship. These rules are often decided before meeting the unicorn.

Like a job vacancy, the couple (and each half of the couple) is looking at veeeery specific things, and the unicorn must fit in that veeeery specific description, which could lead to a lot of limitations.

That said, being a unicorn can be deeply fulfilling for those who find the right couple. In fact, there are a lot of events build around that, and lots of swinger events also accommodate single females.

The key is ensuring that the relationship is built on mutual respect, clear communication, and a willingness to adapt as things (and feelings) evolve.

Couples often look for unicorns for various reasons: adding excitement to their sex life, deepening their emotional bond, or expanding their relationship structure.

Some couples genuinely want to form a committed, long-term triad, while others are simply looking for a fun, short-term third.

However, there are critical challenges couples need to acknowledge before diving in. One of the most common challenges is unrealistic expectations. Many couples assume a unicorn will just integrate into their lives with no disruptions. But there are emotional complexities that need to be accounted for, like jealousy and insecurity, and how this dynamic might evolve, and how feelings might change. 

Additionally, couples must be mindful of hierarchical structures. Are they viewing the unicorn as a guest in their relationship? or as a full partner? Be careful, as that could build resentment pretty quickly.

The most successful triads are those where all three individuals have equal say, mutual respect, and a shared vision for the relationship’s future.

Despite the challenges, unicorn hunting is still pretty common, so there is definitely something there. Some couples are genuinely open to forming balanced triads, while others are simply testing the waters of non-monogamy.

Similarly, some unicorns like the thrill and empowerment that comes from these dynamics, while others leave feeling used or disrespected (some event organisers do make money off unicorns).

The difference between success and failure often comes down to communication, expectations, and ethical considerations. Remember, and this goes both ways: always share the truth because lack of communication with intent to deceive is not different than lying. Best Practices?

If you’re a unicorn:

• Be clear about what you want: casual fun or a serious triad?
• Watch out for red flags like overly rigid rules or a couple unwilling to compromise.
• Prioritise your emotional wellbeing; if the dynamic feels unfair, walk away.

If you’re a couple hunting a unicorn:

• Treat the unicorn as a full person, not an accessory or an add-on.
• Be honest about your intentions and open to negotiate boundaries.
• Regularly check in with all partners: fairness, respect, and emotional security.

Unicorn relationships can be great, but they require effort, self-awareness, and a commitment to ethical non-monogamy (a word that brings mixed feelings as I see it so much on dating apps and wonder how often it’s honest).

The best outcomes happen when all partners are treated equally, with shared agency and clear, ongoing communication.

For more information about unicorn hunting, here is a handy website.