Happy New Year! YAY, 2020 is over! Now that’s out of the way…
Let’s start the new year with a kink!
What is Dirty Talk?
Ok so I have been wanting to write about dirty talk for a while. Dirty talk is a sexually explicit speech intended to arouse or seduce someone. It’s often one of the first steps that couples take towards kink, and it’s one of the trickiest ones I think.
Tricky because, if you say something wrong, you could (you will? it’s bound to happen sooner or later) unintentionally ruin the mood and then it might be quite difficult to get back into it. And I can assure you that if the mood is ruined, it’s really hard to resuscitate it (never again I will say “I love your muffin-tops my sexy muffin man”… *facepalm*).
But tricky also because of the fear of being judge for asking. Reminder to all: if you want your partner to dirty talk to you, introduce the idea slowly, outside of the bedroom. It’s important that your partner doesn’t feel pressured nor feel caught off guard. If you are on the receiving end, then try to be open minded, and remember that things never work out perfectly the first time, and it’s ok if you both go through your own learning curve (dirty, dirty curve).
So before I talk about the workshop, I would like to talk a little more about the types of dirty talks; because not everything might be for everyone.
Dirty talk can be split in a few types, and doesn’t necessary need to be super-kinky
Here are some examples, in (vague) order of kinkyness:
- Request and order – This is pretty straightforward, and probably the most common of all. Very popular in vanilla relationships, it’s when you ask or tell your partner to do something specific, like “I want you to take control of me” or “Take you clothes off” or “If you want more, beg me for it” or even offer them some options like “Would you like to do this or that?”. This also helps when you’re coordinating climaxes.. you know.. giving your partner the heads-up is always a turn on and sometimes even helps you getting to the right place.
- Checking in – Am pretty sure everyone has done this at some point in their life, it’s just when you check-in with your partner about something, think along the line of “Do you like it softer or stronger?” or “What are you thinking of when I do this?”.
- Describe what’s going on – This is another good one I swear, you might think it’s about stating the obvious, but I find it so sexy! Hearing your partner or telling your partner how you feel while you are doing, it’s just so POW. Think about hearing three simple words: “This feels amazing”.
- Praising talk – One of my top fav! When your partner compliments you and say things like “I love what you are doing” or “You are so sexy when you do that” or “Please don’t ever stop what you are doing” and so forth. Yes, I am easily pleased 🙂
- I-SIMPLY-CANNOT-WAIT – Because sometimes, all you want to do is telling them what you are going to do. Or maybe, get the heads up about what your partner will be doing to you (particularly if you are feeling creative and want to improvise a little); along the line of “I can’t wait to taste you”.
- Reminiscing – “OMG do you remember that time when we were in the hot tub?” “That time when you tied my wrists to the bed and pegged me? I feel so hot just by thinking about it”.
- Degrading – When talking about humiliation and degradation it’s important to also talk about consent. Calling your partner “dirty” or using the words “fuck-toy” or “plaything” in bed it’s fine so long as it’s consensual and you are both into it (if it’s not consensual, it’s abuse). Also do remember this is more of a power dynamic play; I will probably cover more in the future.
I think I covered most types, so what now?
Let’s look at the next steps and how to get started
First step is… well… to talk! Ask your partner what they like, find out if they would be into dirty talk, and what their preferences are. Maybe suggest some of the dirty talk types I have listed above? Also find out their boundaries, and if there any triggers, anything that makes them uncomfortable, or generally any things to avoid. After all, remember we are all unique, and so are our limits.
Second step is say it, test it, and repeat it. If you are unsure of where to start, you can follow your partner’s lead or prepare some little dialogues. For example if your partner is asking “Do you like this?”, if you are unsure you can simply answer by repeating the questions (if that is what feels rights) and say “I like this. Yes, I fucking like this”. If they say “I want you to take advantage of you” you can tease them and say “Wouldn’t you like that uh?”. Or if they say “I love what you’re doing”, you can answer saying “I love doing it to you”, and so on, you get the idea. Another thing you can do if you are unsure, it’s texting them what you like, sometimes it’s easier to express yourself via text instead of face to face. Also who doesn’t like a little sexting? 😉
Third step is practice! Be creative, use variations, escalate things (dazzle them a little), share what you like with your partner, care about what they like, and practice practice and practice!
Sexting gets a bad rep. But so long as it’s between consensual adults, you trust each other, and it’s not yet another unsolicited dick pic, then we should be good.
About the presenter. Lola Jean is a Sex Educator, Mental Health Professional, Domme, and more. She has a very relaxed, open-minded, and reassuring tone. You can find out more about her on her website.
About the format. Same as last one on pegging, the workshop was on zoom. The workshop was introduced by KK and led by Lola, and lasted for about an hour and half.
About the topic. Like discussed above, dirty talk can be a lot of fun! Lola highlighted some very key things about dirty talk, here I listed a few for us.
First of all is consent: I mentioned this earlier too, and it was literally the first thing Lola talked about; it’s important we understand that dirty talk can be very subjective, so always make sure you understand each other and check boundaries.
Secondly, she reminded everyone that sex talk can happen outside of sex; this allows you to build phrases and repertoire ahead of a session.
Thirdly, use non-verbal! I think this was my fav tip from Lola. Something that I have done in the past, without really even noticing myself. By non-verbal it can be pauses, tut-noises (is there another word for that? when you tut?), giggles, breathing, yum noises, etc.
Lola went on to discuss more, giving us many more insights and tips for dirty talk as well as walking us through how to make your own audio erotica 🙂 yes, very creative!
About my thoughts. I found the workshop very informative, Lola took us on a journey of dirty talking for everyone and for all, because there are a lot of shades! Definitely a YAY for me.
Dirty Talk is totally your thing, you want to know more? Visit Lola’s website and find out more.