Joining the kink community - part 5
You found an event you want to go to, you think it's your style, now... let's get ready!
I wrote about creating a profile on FL. And then I wrote about messaging people. And then I thought of writing something around tips on taking a good dick pic. And then yes, I wrote about vetting events and picking the right one for you.
You vetted the event and you found it totally your jam. The vibe looks right, the theme is spot on, and the crowd is definitely what you were looking for. You got your ticket, and your outfit sorted, and you are ready to go.
Option A: you are going solo, and that’s great. Sort out an outfit you feel comfortable in, and fit the event/theme. My advice would be to go on the early side, so you have time to make some connections before it gets busy. I personally love going to events on my own, as I feel I have more freedom to mingle and meet new people, but also can easily people-watch whenever I need a social break.
Option B: you don’t like the idea of heading there on your own and want to buddy up, and that’s great too. Check with your friends and connections (the ones you made by regularly attending munches) and see who else is going. Take a look at the attendees’ list on FL (although it’s not super reliable), and see if you know anyone. Bear in mind that many people set as ‘maybe going’ might not go at all, and attendees in the ‘going’ might not show up either. There is also a good percentage of attendees that show up without confirming their attendance (particularly women, as they tend to get harassed more often and messaged before the event by random strangers), so try but don’t rely on that too much.
You are going! Yay! Check a few things with yourself.
PURPOSE, BOUNDARIES, & CONSENT
Why are you attending this event?
Most people are there for a night out, to make new friends, or catch up with existing ones. If your expectations are different, be realistic. Be very realistic. For example if you are going to your first party because you are looking for a subby unicorn to join you and your partner, to be dominated by you, who is into everything that you and your partner are into… well, that might be a little unrealistic. If you are going because you want to meet like-minded people, and maybe find someone you get on with, and you end up having sex with them (if it’s a sex party)… that’s a little more realistic. Either way, be clear with yourself on what you are looking for. Understand that the night is not going to revolve around you. This is real life, and not a fantasy world.
What are your boundaries?
Check in with yourself. Make sure you know what are you ok with, and what you are not. Be aware of your own body as much as you are of other people’s. It is OK to simply say NO. If you consented to something at first, but halfway you are not sure anymore, you are entitled to change mind. If you no longer feel comfortable, you can withdraw your consent and leave. If anyone, at any point, makes you feel uncomfortable, alert the event organiser or a member of the staff. Remember: your body, your choice. Also please feel free to watch ‘Tea & Consent’ at the end of this blog post.
Are you going with someone?
This is also valid if you are going with someone or a partner. Make sure you are on the same page, and you are both clear on what you’d like to get out of this event. You might already have had that discussion when you got the tickets, but if you haven’t, DO NOT leave this as last minute conversation. Not everyone like this kind of surprise.
Don’t forget to respect other people’s boundaries.
Don’t touch people without their consent, it’s just not cool. Always ask permission. Do not join into someone else’s scene (if you are unsure on what a ‘scene’ is, please read The ABC of BDSM) without being explicitly invited.
What kind of party is this?
SEX, NO SEX, & GOOD MANNERS
It’s not a sex party, what should you do?
If this is not a sex party or there is not an area specifically assigned for play, I would strongly discourage any sexual activity. This is because if it’s not permitted, you could be escorted out. I would recommending asking the organisers and staff, and see if there is a play room or a sex room before initiating any activities, sexual or otherwise.
It’s a sex party, what should you expect?
Parties that allow play and sex often offer condoms, lube, and wipes; however feel free to bring your own. Most people end up having protected intercourse but not oral sex as that’s hard to do with protection. If you do have unprotected oral sex, make sure you get an STI check-up before and a few weeks after the party. If you have any doubt about anything while there, feel free to ask questions to the playroom monitors. You can find them by the room’s entrance, and they generally wear a badge, or a strap on their arm.
It’s a sex party, what if you do/don’t want to have sex?
If you find yourself in a situation where you want to have sex with another person (or people), make sure that you get a clear, strong, and enthusiastic ‘yes’. If it’s not a ‘hell yes’, it’s definitely a ‘no’. If, at any point, you feel like you want to back out, do that. Don’t ever feel like you have to do something unless you are 100% ok doing it. In doubt, ask the playroom monitor.
Follow the event’s specific rules.
Some events do not allow the use of mobile phones and will make you check them in at the entrance. Others will let you keep your phone, but might add a sticker on your camera. Others will trust you to not take any pictures or videos while there. Some event organisers might make you sign an NDA. Either way, taking pics is an invasion of the other guest’s privacy and you can get blacklisted for it, so DO NOT take any pics.
HAVE A GREAT PARTY!
I hope you find this helpful. If you feel like you want to get more tips, check out these two Reddit posts: What advice can you give for sexual etiquette at kink parties? & Essential BDSM Etiquette
Remember: the most important thing is BE KIND.
Have a good one and keep it kinky!
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