Joining the kink community - part 9
Advice on using FetLife: For those saying 'I don't really know how to use this site'
By Wolf Winks
As a lifestyle Domme who’s been pretty active in the London kink scene for nearly 2 years, I’ve met a great many people at all sorts of stages in their kink journeys.
That includes people brand new to the scene and dipping their toes for the first time, to those who are still finding their way.
I’ve heard from many people that they are unsure how to make the most of FetLife. A lot has been written and said to help people with this (including right here on Kinky Tiger: Part 1: Creating an online profile, Part 2: Online messaging, and Part 3: Meet kinksters online and take a good dick pic), and I wanted to add a couple of aspects that I don’t often see covered.
I hope they’re helpful!
1. Think about what YOU want to get out of the site
I know some who only use it for a handful of things, others it’s their go-to social media platform of choice for all sorts. Here are a few examples of how the site can be used:
- Finding events (virtual or in-person) to attend for spicy fun, learning, or socialising. The events tool is great, you can search by type of event you’re looking for, the city/region/area you’re interested in, and dates you’re looking at. You can also see which friends are attending events too, which can really help in deciding what to attend.
- Connecting with people you meet in person or vibe with online – many people don’t want to give their phone number or vanilla social media account away at a munch or an event to someone they’ve only met once. But they’re often happy to share FetLife details as a means of staying in touch afterwards.
- A place to share your hot takes and hot (or beautiful, interesting) content. A lot of people love to have a platform, a voice to share opinions, experiences, insights, or just some sexy pics or videos they took recently.
- Somewhere to learn, educate, and inspire. The writings on this site can have some of the most profound and interesting content I’ve come across. Of course, take everything with a pinch of salt, often this is people sharing their personal opinions and experiences rather than formal expertise, so it’s always worth taking in with an open mind and a little healthy curiosity.
- Somewhere to titillate! Porn is ok too, and if you get off on the things you see on FetLife, that’s totally ok – that’s the thing about this community, it’s a relatively non-judgemental space, so crack on, friend!
For me personally, I use FetLife for all of the above (yes including for titillation) and I thoroughly enjoy all of that!
2. FetLife is not a dating app.
And people who treat it like it – reaching out cold to people with messages asking to meet up or worse, jumping straight into kink requests – will not get very far.
If you want to reach out to someone you like the vibe of, I recommend liking, leaving genuine and thoughtful comments on their content from time to time, and then reaching out with something specific later. Messaging someone because you admire their profile, want to ask a question, or seek friendship is totally fine. Just remember inboxes are often flooded with low-effort spicy chat, so don’t take it personally if you’re ignored.
Before sending a DM, read their profile. Respect how they want to be addressed….I can’t tell you how much I hate people messaging me calling me Goddess, Mistress, Ma’am etc, which I explicitly state on my profile I don’t like), and just generally not be creepy…
Even then, you might not get a reply — and that’s OK. Silence is a no. Accept it with grace and move on.
3. Don't. Spam. People.
Ask any female identifying individual (or some men to be fair) on FetLife – Domme, sub, switch, we all get it. Generic copy paste messages sent to me and to all my Domme friends, thirsty messages asking for XYZ, you name it. Sometimes several messages every few weeks or months, and occasionally the follow-ups turn hostile or entitled when there’s no response…(ps – nobody is ever owed a response!).
It’s not flattering, it’s not attractive, and it’s not going to get you noticed for the right reasons…
Instead, introduce yourself like a normal human being! And yeah, as mentioned before, do have a read of someone’s profile.
4. Do block arseholes
Yep. Block block away.
Not much else to say here!
5. As throughout the community as a whole - don't be judging!
Honestly, we all know not to kink shame, but also let’s try to avoid vanilla-shaming too. This includes judgments about people’s lives, or the way someone worded something (they might be having a bad day, or not a native speaker in your language, or simply not as great a communicator as others!), or an opinion you disagree with.
Just as with Facebook, X/Twitter or YouTube, there’s often a lot of opinion and sometimes disagreements that descend with keyboard warriors and such.
Where possible, try to meet people with curiosity and compassion.
If you’re here to quietly browse, fantastic. If you want to meet people, that’s valid too, but be aware of how you come across. For instance, if you’re wanting to engage with others, be aware that only sharing thirsty genital pictures, only liking certain types of pictures, or joining “Thirsty teen sluts and those that want to fuck them” type groups, will probably get a few raised eyebrows….
Remember that people do check profiles, how they talk about themselves in their bio, their comments, groups, and interactions.
Your digital footprint tells a story, so make it one you’d want someone else to read.
Good luck out there, fellow traveller. We’re all on this journey in different ways.
Be open, be curious, be a human being.
By Wolf Winks
